By Alex Nagorski
No movies defined my adolescent years like the original Scream trilogy. Well, except for maybe Cruel Intentions, but that was for completely different reasons (I dare you to name one person from my generation who doesn’t attribute their sexual awakening to the sight of Ryan Phillippe’s bare ass). Growing up, I wanted nothing more than to literally be Sidney Prescott. Why would I want to be the victim of a series of ruthless killers determined on destroying her life and murdering everyone she’s ever loved?
Easy. 1) She was really pretty, 2) She got to hang out with Monica from Friends, 3) She had all those movies made about her life (good morning, royalty checks!), and 4) I’d spent enough hours gorging on cupcakes and watching Buffy marathons to roundhouse kick the shit out of Ghostface if (s)he ever tried anything with me.
In my story, Sidney ultimately snapped and became the killer – ending in a massive brawl involving a blowtorch, a mental hospital, and the heroic alliance of Gale Weathers with (surprise twist!) Sarah Michelle Gellar’s (dead) character from Scream 2. It’s brilliant, I know. My teacher made me resubmit a whole new story so instead I wrote about an innocent bunny who wanted to be an author, but couldn’t get anything published due to the harsh censorship in his neighborhood of the forest. True story.
So now that you understand my background and unnatural affiliation with these movies, you have no choice but to believe me when I say that (despire mediocre reviews and a lackluster opening weekend box office revenue) Scream 4 is the best film in the franchise after the first one. Literally throughout the entire movie, everyone at the packed midnight showing I was at was doing their best Brenda from Scary Movie impression and yelling at the screen the whole time. Finally, a Scream film actually followed through with its title again.
Scream 4 included everything a good Scream movie should have. An epic opening that will linger with you for days after you’ve seen the film, obnoxious self-aware commentary, killer humor, a cast of sexy up-and-comers, tons of movie references, and constant head spinning twists.
To be honest, I was very nervous about Scream 4, especially when I heard that writer Kevin Williamson dropped out and additional script re-writes were being done by the dude behind Scream 3. Originally, this made me think that Scream 4 was about as good of an idea as I Still Know Who Killed Me, Valentine Returns or Another House of Wax.
Luckily, however, I was very mistaken. The script was fantastic. Not only did it call for some of the most elaborate deaths and fucked up killer motives of the entire franchise, but the entire commentary on horror reboots and remakes was pure genius. The Scream films have never failed with their impeccable parodies of the genre they constantly redefine.
There’s not much that can be said about the film without giving things away. So let me just leave you with this. The movie will undoubtedly:
1. Make you laugh your ass off
2. Make you jump out of your seat
3. Give you the biggest hard-on of your life thanks to Hayden Panettiere
4. Have you write Courteney Cox a letter begging to quit the lip injections already before her Joan Rivers transformation is complete
5. Infiltrate all your thoughts for the following week
Convinced? Check out Scream 4, in theaters now.